This time it was much more dramatic. I had horrible cramps and I knew exactly why. I tried to be calm throughout the process of getting to the hospital. I was 8 weeks pregnant but no one knew except my husband and a couple of close friends. I hadn't told my family because one of my sisters was about to be married and I didn't want the focus to turn from her upcoming wedding day.
Over the next couple of days I operated like a robot. My family walked around me on egg shells, probably afraid that I would breakdown again. I had already taken off from work for my sister's wedding, the miscarriage happened just days before I was off, about a week and a half before the wedding. I immersed myself in last minute preparations. I made no real time to grieve.
I used that busy time to ignore what was going on inside of me. I had to smile, be the responsible big sister and matron of honor. I had to make sure my pain never showed up for the sake of my sister's happy day.
So, I shoved the emotions down. I numbed them. I hid them. I ignored them.
My husband was hurting and I wasn't communicating or emotionally there like I was the first time. I just wanted to be left alone in my own world. Speaking only when absolutely necessary. Showing no emotions. I needed him the last time we miscarried, this time I shunned him.
He reached out to a few of my friends for support - and I lashed out.
How dare he speak to anyone on my behalf? I didn't care how long I knew them or how close they were!
I resented him for doing so.
I resented my friends even more for entertaining his thoughts.
I felt everyone should have known me well enough to know I needed time to process. I always needed time to process.
This time though, the processing was more lengthy than they were used to.
I have to pause parenthetically and say that some of what I was going through was a result of some things said to me by different people. I had a church member, who came to the hospital and basically "worked me over" to try and figure out how in the world I miscarried twice.
I had a friend - and even my husband - attribute these losses to a past sin. Retribution from God if you will.
I didn't need to hear any of these things and it caused me to go further into my shell. One thing I was certain of, God was not punishing me. I may not have understood why He was allowing it to take place, but I knew that God was much more loving than that. We (Christians) often impose our judgements and harsh expectations and try and pass them off as God's will or "word", when often it is our own misinterpretation.
"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.'" (Isaiah 55:8-9 NASB)
I wish I had some formula or great word that came to me to tell you how I came out of my depression. Make no mistake about it, I was depressed. I was a functionally depressed person. Able to do daily tasks - go to work and church, do the necessary things around the house, communicate (but nothing emotional), carry out certain tasks - but that was about it. That was my existence for a little over two months. Though I went to church, nothing penetrated - I cut myself off. I didn't allow God's word to speak to me and I certainly wasn't seeking His word on my own either.
All I can say is, if you think that this is where you are in life, seek help. Talk to someone about what is going on in your life. If you can, seek professional help. I believe I was headed for major clinical depression if I had stayed in that state much longer. Except ...
Except one day I was feeling physically run down and horrible. A statement made by one of my mother's friends caused me to take a home pregnancy test. And I was.
Pregnant that is.
I went to my mother in tears.
What if I miscarried a third time? I read on a miscarriage thread about a woman who miscarried FIVE times.
She encouraged me to lean on God and prayer. She prayed with her friends every morning and assured me that I would be at the forefront of those prayers.
I was on a modified fast the week I found out and committed myself to fasting from chocolate throughout my pregnancy. For those of you that don't know me, trust and believe that was some major fasting for me!
For me, my deep dark days dealing with functional depression ceased ... slowly, as the pregnancy progressed and I became more and more at ease. I did have a scare in the beginning, and the pregnancy did have a few challenges - I had to be hospitalized at one point ...
If you follow my blog you know I have a loving adorable daughter that is three and a half years old and she has been a blessing ...
Just Around the Corner,